


Keeping Secrets

by someofthissomeofthat11011



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 18:07:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15779319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someofthissomeofthat11011/pseuds/someofthissomeofthat11011
Summary: when Simon is outed, he and Bram make a decision.





	Keeping Secrets

~ Abby ~

“Oh my God. I’m going to kill them,” I grumble to Nick. I don’t bother to keep my voice down, because I know Simon and Bram are lost in their own little wonderland. They are apparently blissfully unaware of the fact that they are head over heels in love with each other. Nick had even confirmed with Nora that they weren’t secretly dating or something.

It’s infuriating. How can two people be so oblivious? They’re currently huddled over an SAT book and they’re whispering about God knows what. You would never know that they were in a crowded, noisy cafeteria by looking at them.

I don’t think either of them actually need to study this much for the SATs.

“You don’t know that he’s gay,” Nick reminds me. It’s an old argument, one that Nick steadfastly held to when I first started complaining about this. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe it anymore. Sure, Bram hasn’t officially come out yet, but I am sure that he is gay. He has to be. He’s not cruel enough to lead Simon on like that if he’s not. Not that he’s leading Simon anywhere. God, why are boys so clueless?

Garrett sits down across from me. “Geez, why do you look so pissed? Are you upset because you lost the bet about Valentine’s Day?” He asks me smugly.

I turn my glare towards him. Garrett and I have been making bets about when they’ll finally get together - for bragging rights so he’s totally within his rights to gloat right now. It’s probably unfair that we’re gambling on their love lives, but do you know what’s more unfair? HAVING TO WATCH TWO PEOPLE THAT ARE SO FUCKING PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER BE COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF IT. 

I had been so sure that Valentine’s Day would have been the day that they realized their feelings for each other. But apparently Bram stayed home alone all day and according to Nora, Simon spent the day in his bedroom listening to depressing music - that does sound like him. Garrett was the first to debunk my secretly-dating theory, because he pointed out that Bram would have told him, because apparently they tell each other everything.

I don’t even care that I was wrong. I care that this torture will continue, because watching them flirt with each other is its own special kind of torture. I feel so bad for Simon. If anyone deserves love, it’s him. People still give him crap over being gay and honestly, I think a boyfriend would do wonders for his morale.

“Keep in mind. Simon was patient while you and Nick were shamelessly flirting with each other,” Garrett points out. “And it took you guys almost six months to get together. It’s been a couple of weeks for them. Give them time.”

I hate when Garrett makes sense. It’s honestly one of his best arguments for why I shouldn’t interfere. Because he’s right. I would have been pissed if Simon had done anything to force us together - probably not as pissed as I was when I found out he was forcing us apart, but I don’t blame him for that anymore. His hands were tied.

It’s not until halfway through lunch that they finally close the book. “Did I, Simon Spier, stump Bram Greenfeld, Mr. I-Know-How-To-Use-Commas?” Simon asks victoriously. “This must seem like a phenomenon to you, but really, it was inexorable.”

“Oh shut up,” Bram says. He’s not angry though; he’s actually looking at Simon as if he’s the only person on the planet. Jesus Christ. Seriously, what is wrong with them?

Simon looks smug, but he turns his attention to us. “So what’s up with the sudden interest in the SAT?” I ask.

“I apparently dropped the ball on this and my parents registered me for the March SAT,” Simon explains. “They were kind enough to tell me this yesterday, which leaves me like four weeks to study for this really important test. So I’m consulting with an expert.” He nudges Bram, who looks down at the table. “We’re starting with vocabulary and this first section has like 500 words I’m somehow supposed to memorize. Some would postulate that it’s impossible.”

“I pointed out that if he uses the words in context, it will help him learn them,” Bram explains. He doesn’t look away from Simon.

And I can’t. I seriously can’t. This is one of those moments where they’re being sickly sweet and I just want to slap both of them and tell them to get their shit together. But I won’t do that, because we all agreed they needed to figure this out on their own. This sucks.

 

\-- January 23rd --

_ I didn’t think anything of it the first night. Bram came with Garrett and he congratulated all of us. He spent a little more time with Simon, but I’d assumed that was because Simon was closer to the exit. Bram wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Plus, I wasn’t exactly talking to Simon at the moment, not after what he did. _

_ By the second night, a part of me had forgiven Simon and my anger flew out the window when I watched Bram make a beeline to Simon after the play was over. He even shook Simon’s dad’s hand and I stared at them for several minutes. _

_ “What’s going on with Simon and Bram?” I asked him quietly. _

_ He followed my gaze. “What are you talking about?” He asked. _

_ “This is the second night in a row he’s come to the play,” I pointed out. “Do you think they…” _

_ “No,” Nick cut me off before I could get my question out. “I’m pretty sure Bram’s straight. Plus, I think he’s coming because of Leah.” Sure enough, Leah was hovering near Simon. _

_ “Bram and Leah?” I asked. I knew from Nick’s smile that my eyes were big. _

_ “Garrett and Leah,” he corrected. _

_ “Huh,” I thought back to every conversation between them I’d ever overheard. “Does Garrett not know how to flirt?” _

_ Nick chuckled. “He tries. I think he feels a lot more awkward about stuff like that than he lets on. Don’t tell him I told you that.” _

_ “I won’t,” I promised. But there wasn’t a chance in the world that I wasn’t going to try to help him. _

_ After that, I let Bram slip from my mind. _

_ Then it was our third and final production. It was a matinee and all of us were excited and sad at the prospect of being done. We all lingered for a few minutes. It was bittersweet to know that we wouldn’t see each other as often anymore. Except for Martin. I think the only one more excited than me about spending less time with Martin was Simon. And he’d earned it. I was slowly started to be more angry with Martin than with Simon, but I certainly wasn’t going to tell him that yet. _

_ Simon was antsy until we left and even when Nick found us, his eyes scanned the lobby outside the auditorium as he looked for someone. “See you tomorrow,” he said to both of us. He shot me a sad look, before he left. I watched him walk towards Bram and watched as they left together. I stared after them. There’s no way. There had to be something going on between them. _

_ Nick immediately distracted me by kissing my cheek. “Great job!” _

_ “Can you find out if they’re dating?” I asked without acknowledging his compliment. _

_ He looked at me confused. “Who?” _

_ “Simon and Bram.” _

_ “I told you. Bram is-” _

_ “Allegedly straight. I get that. But can you check. They left together,” I told him. _

_ “Maybe they’re just carpooling. Or maybe Bram found out about Simon and didn’t decide that it was his fault that he was being blackmailed.” I’d been so surprised when Nick took Simon’s side when I told him about that.  _

_ I sighed. I knew he was right. I shouldn’t have taken it out on Simon. I probably would have done the same thing if someone was blackmailing me. Maybe it was petty, but I’d wanted Simon to tell me. He told me he was gay and I think a part of me assumed that meant he should have been able to tell me anything. “Will you find out if they are together?”  _

_ “I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.” Nick actually looked worried. _

_ “Then ask Nora. But will you find out?” I repeated. _

_ He sighed. I knew I was stubborn and it’s not one of my finer qualities, so I knew he was probably ready to throw up his hands in defeat or something. “Fine,” he grumbled. “I’ll ask Nora, but if she says no, you’ll drop this?” _

_ “Of course.” By his eye roll, I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one that knew that was unlikely. _

_ “And you’ll talk to Simon?” _

_ “Yes,” I said with a little more conviction. That at least, I could genuinely promise him. _

_ I get the chance earlier than I expected when Simon and Bram showed up to the fair. I think I noticed them when they noticed me, because Bram nudged Simon who just looked at me guiltily. Maybe Nick was right. Maybe Bram was just the person that told Simon it wasn’t his fault. _

_ Though, I seriously doubted that after I talked to Simon and he and Bram spent the rest of the night with me and Nick. _

 

~ Nora ~

I’m waiting for Simon and Bram after school when Abby comes up to me. “Are you sure Simon and Bram aren’t dating?” She asks. This is new. Usually she sends Nick to ask me.

“I’m sure. I’m just as annoyed as you are,” I assure her. I’ve said this so many times, it’s actually pretty convincing.

“And you can’t fan the flames a little?” She asks hopefully.

“I wish I could,” I tell her. “Simon doesn’t want to hear it. He thinks I’m romanticizing his friendship.” I let out an exasperated huff. I’m hoping that Abby will take the hint and leave before Simon and Bram come out. I have a feeling she and Nick will never leave me alone if they find out Bram is staying with us for a few days. 

Bram’s mom ended up staying a little longer with his aunt and I think our parents are afraid they’re gonna have non-stop sex in his house if they give them the opportunity, so now Bram is staying at our house until Thursday. Where most afternoons they have a few hours home alone, unsupervised when Bram doesn’t have soccer or after he’s done (I’ve spent quite a lot of time outside of the house, because: 1) I’m a great sister; and 2) I don’t even want to think about my brother having sex, I definitely don’t want to hear it happen). I’m not sure our parents thought this one through. 

And honestly, I give Simon credit. He sets his alarm early enough that Bram can slip back into the guest room before our parents wake up, but do you know what else his alarm does? It wakes me up. So, TBH, I’m a little bitter about it.

No sooner does Abby disappear than Simon and Bram materialize in front of me. “Sorry. We wanted to wait until you managed to repel her. What was that about?” I see Bram bite his lip at Simon’s use of the word ‘repel.’ I would be insulted if I didn’t know that he’d been fitting in SAT words everywhere he could.

“She wanted me to ‘fan the flames’ on your relationship. LOL,” I say without any amusement.

Simon chuckles. “Thanks for covering for us. I know it’s not easy on you,” he acknowledges. It’s no secret that Abby, Nick, and Garrett are all trying to get them together. I don’t fully understand why they won’t tell them, but I’m not going to try to interfere. It’s their love life.

I shrug. “It would be harder on you. But IMHO, I think you might want to consider telling Abby.”

He glances at Bram and shakes his head. “Don’t give him any ideas. He’s not ready to be out to them and I’m okay with that.” I have a feeling that’s as much for my benefit as it is for Bram’s. 

“Alright,” I say with a shrug. “Ready to go?”

 

\-- January 6th --

_ He walked into my room with Bram in tow, shut and locked my door, and glared at me. I really thought I’d done something wrong and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what that was. _

_ “I need to tell you something, but I need you to promise something. You will not tell anyone this. Not even your little, big-mouth friends,” he warned me. I stared at him. I couldn’t find my voice at first, so I just nodded. He wasn’t smiling and actually looked like he was about to throw up, so I knew this was serious. “Bram’s my boyfriend.” _

_ I stared. I’d heard Leah talk about Bram on a handful of occasions, mostly about how quiet he was and Simon had never mentioned him. Not once. I didn’t even know Bram was gay. Bram gave this awkward half wave as if he didn’t know what else to do. That made two of us. “Okay,” I said slowly. _

_ “We’re not going to tell anyone yet. Well, we’re gonna tell mom and dad, and I’m gonna call Alice later. But we’re not telling anyone at school.” _

_ “You’re telling me first?” I asked. I was pretty sure my eyes were huge, but I couldn’t make them smaller. That probably shouldn’t be my first reaction, but the rest of me is going, ‘WTF? WTF? WTF?’ on repeat. _

_ “Yeah,” he said. He shuffled uncomfortably and Bram whispered something to him. “When I came out, you were great about it. You didn’t make me feel like I was different because of this. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that.” _

_ I shrugged. It was still fresh in my mind how he had reacted when I’d first shown him the post and I still felt like I must have done something wrong. “There’s nothing to thank me for.” _

_ “There is though,” he corrected. “I know mom and dad and Alice love me, but they didn’t make it easier. You kinda did and you definitely didn’t make it worse.” _

_ I looked away from him. We never talked like this, so it was weird. “Are you gonna tell mom and dad?” _

_ “Yeah. I’m gonna break the news tonight,” he told me. _

_ A long silence stretched before us. “I won’t tell anyone,” I promised. I didn’t know if he needed to hear it, but I needed him to know. When Alice went away to school, something changed between us. I think we realized that we never spent time with just the two of us and we didn’t know how to start. Alice had always been there. And now she wasn’t, so it was weird. Since he got outed, I felt like I had my brother back. _

 

~ Bram ~

I don’t know which one of us dismisses the alarm, but it obviously happened, because the morning of my last day at the Spier’s we sleep late. So late that when we wake up - meaning when I wake up - Simon’s parents are standing near his desk and are whispering back and forth. As I stare at them, I’m painfully aware of the fact that Simon’s practically draped over me. When they notice I’m awake, we make this awkward eye contact and I freeze. I should probably shove him off of me or something. At the very least, I should wake him up so he can roll off of me himself. But for a minute, I can’t move.

When my senses return to me, I nudge Simon. He mutters something incoherent, but doesn’t wake up. “Simon,” I whisper as I nudge him again.

He only snuggles deeper into my chest. “No. Too comfy,” he says. And seriously, I love Simon, but he can be so oblivious.

I see his parents silently laugh. Sure, don’t make a sound. Prolong my torture. I wonder what they’re gonna do about this. They can’t be too upset about it if they’re watching us like we’re puppies doing something wrong.

Simon’s hand comes up to my chest and that’s it… I push him off of me unceremoniously.

I still don’t look at him, but I know the exact moment that he notices his parents, because he practically retreats under the blankets.

Now we’re all silent and I feel like we’re almost locked in a weird showdown.

I can’t tell if Simon’s parents are angry or upset (I’m assuming they are), but they betray nothing as they stare at me. Simon hasn’t emerged from under the covers.

I don’t know if they’re waiting for me to say something, but if they are, they’re gonna be waiting a long, long time because I think my voice stopped working.

After an impossibly long time, Simon’s voice is audible from his hiding place under the blankets. “We’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

His parents glance at each other and nod. “You have two minutes.”

I wait until his parents are gone to pull the blankets off of him. “How much trouble are we in?” I ask.   

I’m surprised when he starts laughing. “I haven’t seen you this nervous since you told me who you were,” he says with a big smile on his face.

“That was a different kind of nervous,” I say, trying to hide how flustered I feel after his parents leave. Simon had gotten into a pretty big fight with them after Valentine’s Day and we’d spent the last few days talking with them about it. I had a feeling all of our progress was gone now.

He shrugs. “I don’t think we’re in too much trouble. What more can they really do?”

It turns out that they can put my mom on speakerphone and tag team on the strangest sex talk we’ve ever heard. Our adamance that we did not have sex last night fell on deaf ears. On the bright side, they don’t seem too angry with us. They mostly wanted to emphasize the importance of respecting the boundaries our parents put in place.

 

\-- January 5th --

_ It was our first day back - within a few minutes of me walking in the door - and I saw a football player, Kevin, grab Simon and pretend to kiss him. The jealousy and anger that had sprung up in me surprised me. I’d never felt anything like it. I wasn’t jealous about what was happening to Simon, that was practically making me see red because someone had the audacity to treat this like a joke. I was jealous because seeing that kid pretend to kiss Simon made me realize how much I actually wanted to kiss him. I didn’t want to wait for news of it to die down, which is what my intention was after Garrett called me with ‘big news’ about Simon. Garrett hadn’t know at the time or else he probably wouldn’t have treated it like gossip. I couldn’t tell him over the phone; he didn’t deserve that. So he’d been my first and only stop last night when I got back (he took it really, really well!). _

_ I found myself moving instinctively when I saw the flush in Simon’s cheeks and what I could only describe as humiliation in his eyes. Garrett had been standing next to me, but he didn’t try to follow me. I think he was as curious as I was about what I was going to do. _

_ “Is there a problem over here?” I heard my voice, but I don’t remember making the decision to speak. _

_ “You want a turn Greenfeld?” Kevin asked. _

_ “Get out of here,” I warned. They could hypothetically take me, but even in the off-season they had football practice and I’d heard horror stories about how seriously the football coach takes his zero tolerance policy. They glanced at each other and I guessed they decided I wasn’t worth it, because they walked away without another word. I turned to Simon. “Are you alright?” _

_ He didn’t answer me. His eyes were fixed on something. I half expected to see someone else that was trying to torment him, but I only saw Martin. Yet the look on Simon’s face made it clear that he associated Martin with some great evil. _

_ I knew my mom was gonna kill me, but if there was a class I could afford to skip, it was English. “Let’s go someplace quiet,” I suggested. _

_ He looked nervous. “I’m fine right here.” That was when I realized he was scared I was going to do something else to mess with him. _

_ I seriously doubted that. “I’m not going to hurt you.” I tried to sound reassuring, but I didn’t think I was that successful by the skepticism in his eyes. “I’m serious. I just want to talk to you.” My breath caught in my throat. What did I want to talk to him about? Was I actually going to tell him? No. No way. I wasn’t ready to be out yet. But it was hard to remember that around him. _

_ I didn’t know what he saw in my expression, but it must have been enough to convince him that I really wasn’t going to try to beat him up or something, because he started to walk away and a quick glance back at me told me I was supposed to follow him. _

_ He led me to the auditorium and walked right past the students that were lazing in the seats. The bell still hadn’t rung and not many of them gave us a second look. Simon waved to someone as he opened a side door, but I didn’t see who it was. _

_ I followed him into a room that looked like some type of clothing bomb went off. There were clothes everywhere from ones that resembled potato sacks to elaborate suits. “We have a lot of costumes for Oliver,” he explained when he noticed what I was staring at. _

_ “I can see that,” I muttered. It was almost overwhelming, but Simon didn’t seem surprised by it. _

_ “So you said you wanted to talk? Talk. No one will be in here until after school.”  _

_ He stared at me as I looked down at the ground. My mouth felt so dry and I wasn’t sure I remembered how to talk. How could I tell him who I was when it scared me so much. _

_ I glanced up at him and I realized it’s exactly because it scared me so much that I needed to do this. It terrified me to show him who I am and know that that would be opening myself up to rejection. Even more frightening than rejection was the possibility that he wouldn’t reject me and we would figure this out. Don’t get me wrong, that excited me as well. But we’d fallen into such a comfortable place with our emails until he’d been outed. Part of me didn’t want that to change, but I knew it was inevitable. “Why did you look at Martin like that?” I asked. Well, there went all of my attempts to psych myself up for this. _

_ He looked surprised. “Why does it matter to you?” He asked. He almost sounded defensive. _

_ I felt like I was on the brink of understanding something, but I wasn’t quite there. “You just seem really angry with him. What could he have done that was so… bad…” my voice faltered at the end, because I realized exactly what he could have done that would have warranted Simon’s behavior. “He didn’t.” _

_ Simon wrapped his arms around himself and I’d never seen someone look so vulnerable. It made me want to hold him and promise him that everything would be okay. “It doesn’t matter.” _

_ “It does,” I said determinedly. “You didn’t deserve that. I can’t believe this. I mean, I knew you didn’t out yourself, but… how’d he find out?” _

_ “It really doesn’t matter.” Simon pushed some costumes off a chair and sat down.  _

_ “It does to me.”  _

_ “Why?” I felt my heart beating in my chest. I knew my moment was coming soon, but I still feel like I can’t get the words out. “And why are you acting like such a freaking nutcase?” _

_ I almost laughed. I didn’t think anyone had ever called me a nutcase before and it’s not an insult I expected to hear from him. “I’m not a nutcase.” He only raised his eyebrows at me, which may have been warranted. I took a deep breath, but it did nothing to calm my racing nerves. I really couldn’t get it out. My heart felt like it was pressing on my lungs and I felt a prickling behind my eyes. I couldn’t understand why I was so fearful of this. It wasn’t like Simon wouldn’t understand. _

_ “I’d been emailing this kid,” Simon finally said. “Martin found our emails after I checked them from a school computer and he’s been blackmailing me since October. I couldn’t do what he wanted, so he outed me.” _

_ Horror rose up on me. Martin had been blackmailing him for months. Months. I didn’t blame him for not telling me, but I wished I could have done something to help him. I couldn’t imagine how lonely and terrifying that must have been. And yet he did it. I was struck by how easily that could have been me. I’d checked my email at school before. I always checked to make sure I wasn’t logged in anymore, but that didn’t mean I’d never been reckless about it. “You asked me why I care. It’s because I’m Blue.” He didn’t look like he believed me. He sat there with this dumbstruck look on his face. I could actually feel the seconds crawling by. “Say something. Please.”  _

_ He opened and closed his mouth several times. “You’re… you’re…” He climbed to his feet and his hands were curled into fists. I half expected him to punch me, but I had no idea what I might have done to warrant that. _

_ He didn’t punch me. He actually checked to make sure the door was tightly closed and then he turned back to me. “What do you want?” _

_ “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I saw what was happening and I couldn’t… I needed to…” I shook my head as if that would help me think more clearly. It did kinda help. “I wanted you to know and now I want whatever you want.” The bell rang and I had no idea that so much time had passed. “You don’t have to figure it out now. I know I just threw this all on you. Just let me know when you decide.” _

_ We didn’t have a chance to talk during lunch, because Leah and Abby were practically guard dogs around Simon. But Simon and Abby crashed soccer practice and when coach gave us a break, I followed Nick and Garrett towards them. _

_ I could tell that Simon wanted to talk to me, and I was pretty sure it wasn’t just me projecting. Sure enough, when I lingered after Garrett and Nick ran back to practice Simon walked a few feet away from Abby. “You got out of practice early,” I said quietly. _

_ “There was… an incident,” he said it like he was confessing to murder. “I’ve been thinking about you all day and what you said about wanting whatever I want… I want us to be boyfriends, but I don’t want want to tell anyone about us. Not Abby or Nick or Garrett or Leah.” _

_ I was suddenly thinking that this was the worst place in the world to have this conversation, because all I wanted to do was kiss him and I’m pretty sure he felt the same way if the look he was giving me was anything to go off of. “I think boyfriends sound good,” I managed to get out. “But I want to tell our families. I think we need to tell our families.” _

_ “Greenfeld!” My coach roars. _

_ “I’ll wait for you,” Simon said. I wasn’t sure if I was imagining the double meaning in his words. _

_ I nodded before I ran back to practice. When practice was over, Simon wasn’t sitting at the bleachers. I’d assumed he left until I was walking to my car and I saw him standing in the parking lot. It seemed like I was catching the tail end of some fight with Martin. I had no idea if I should interfere or let it play out. I had a feeling that there was a lot he needed to get off his chest. _

_ Sure enough, after a minute, Martin got in his car and Simon hastily wiped his eyes. He waved when he spotted me and I walked towards him. “I thought you left.” I wasn’t sure if I should acknowledge what just happened. _

_ He shook his head. “Sorry about that. I thought it would be a little suspicious if I stayed when Abby had to catch her bus.” I guessed we weren’t going to talk about it. _

_ We stood awkwardly in the parking lot before Simon suggested that we go somewhere and talk. _

 

~ Leah ~

 

Simon and Bram are quieter than usual at lunch today. I would have thought they broke up, except they keep sharing these weird looks with each other. And honestly, I’m surprised that no one’s accused them of dating to their faces yet. I would have called them out on it myself, except watching Abby get so frustrated over it makes it all worth it. I mean, it’s not like anyone’s oblivious to their feelings for each other. They just think Bram and Simon are also oblivious to it.

Which is really fucking funny, because Bram and Simon have about as much discretion as an alarm.

I mean seriously. It was really bad when they first came back to school. I’m not sure if that’s when they started dating or if they’d been dating before that, but once Simon was out, they were obvious.

Simon skipped lunch at least three times a week his first few weeks back and Bram was mysteriously absent those days as well. Ironically, Abby didn’t suspect them until Bram went to every performance of the play. After that, they didn’t skip lunch anymore, but that was actually more obvious. They pretty much eye fuck all day - and good for them; they truly deserve it.

My thing is… and I know I don’t get to have a thing, but I do. I’m kinda bitter about Bram, but it’s not that. I get him not wanting to be out yet, even if part of me thinks he’s an asshole for letting Simon go through all this shit alone.

I want to ask them what’s going on, but I’m trying to respect their privacy or whatever my mom was saying when I told her about this - something about boundaries and letting them come to me in their own time.

About halfway through lunch, Simon claims he needs to write a paper in the library and Bram says he needs to finish some Algebra homework (like that kid has ever forgotten to do homework a day in his life - real subtle). I’m pretty sure they were going to that same room behind the auditorium and I am itching to go to my practice room and find out what the hell was going on. It took all of my will power to stay at the table.

“We need to do something about them,” Abby says as she watches them leave the cafeteria. “Something to give them a nudge in the right direction.”

“Like what?” Nick asks.

“I don’t know. How can you make two people realize they like each other?” Abby asks grumpily.

“What if we start sending them love notes from each other?” Garrett suggests. Oh right. My thing. For almost seven weeks, I’ve had to listen to Garrett go on and on about how Bram is his best friend. I think he’s gonna take it the hardest when Simon and Bram finally tell us they’re together. I don’t think they realize how sure he is that they’re not dating, because Bram allegedly tells him everything. I have my suspicions that Bram’s out to Garrett, but I don’t have any proof because Garrett has refused to tell us.

I feel for the kid. Garrett might be goofy and insensitive, but Bram is really his best friend.

I make a mental note to talk to Nora about this at band practice one day. I’ve tried not to talk to her about this, because I know how frustrated she is with Nick and Abby being on her all the time, but I feel like I have to say something.

 

\-- January 6th --

_ It was our second day back to school and I was taking refuge in the practice room. Being with the drums made me feel like nothing could get to me, not even Abby’s idiotic comment about finding me a boyfriend. Yeah, there was no way I was going anywhere near her today. She can be so fucking stupid sometimes. _

_ Little known fact about the practice room I was in - it apparently shares a not-so-soundproof wall with one of the rooms behind stage in the auditorium. A room that Bram and Simon were using for a romantic rendezvous right then. I had no idea how long they’d been dating, but it must’ve been awhile. _

_ When I heard them, I should have returned my drumsticks and spent lunch in the library or something. Instead, I made sure I didn’t make a noise and listened in to their slightly muffled conversation. _

_ They talked about everything. Like how Bram’s stepmom is pregnant (who knew?); and they both told their parents they were dating the night before; and Simon’s a little over Oliver since Martin outed him (once again, that would have been nice to know); and apparently school is the perfect place to talk about how much you love someone (only adding to the theory that they’ve been dating all year - they’re already at love). There was no talk about Bram coming out yet, but there was more than enough to keep me enthralled in their conversation without that. I swear, someone should write a book about their love lives. I would read it in a heartbeat. _

_ The worst part was the silence, because all I could think about was what they were doing if they weren’t talking and I felt like such a fucking peeping tom. The silence never lasted more than a few minutes, but they always sounded breathless afterwards which only made me realize just how wrong eavesdropping on them was. It was their fault though. Really. If they’d told me they were dating, I never would have found myself with my ear pressed against the wall listening in to every word they uttered. _

_ I was shocked when the bell rang. I wasn’t the only one that was thrown off. Bram and Simon abruptly stopped in the middle of talking about Bram’s birthday. “I guess we need to get to class,” Simon said reluctantly. _

_ “Will I see you tonight?” Bram asked. _

_ “I’d like that.” _

_ Then there was more silence and it took me a minute to realize they must have left. I let out the breath I was holding; my only thought was oh shit. _

 

~ Nora ~

“I need you to talk to Simon.” I turn my head to see Leah. I thought she left so I had been reading by myself while I waited for Simon. He needed to grab something from his locker and apparently that’s a two person job, so Bram went with him. Like I don’t know what they’re doing. They’re coming up on their two-month anniversary which apparently means they get a pass to be particularly unbearable.

“Not you too,” I grumble. I expect this from Abby and Nick, but not from Leah. She’s not really the kind of person that gets involved in stuff like this. “Look, I’m not going to interfere with their friendship.”

“You need to tell them that they need to tell Garrett,” she tells me seriously. I feel my breath catch in my throat. She knows. She doesn’t just suspect. She knows.

“What are you talking about?” I ask innocently. By the annoyed arch in her eyebrows, I know she sees through me.

“I don’t care that they’re keeping this from us, but Bram is apparently Garrett’s only real friend and he’s been completely unbearable since Valentine’s Day, because he’s convinced they would never do anything behind his back. He’s a weird kid, but he’s nice enough and he deserves to know the truth,” she tells me. “And let them know that I’m not going to pick up the pieces of their friendship if Garrett is pissed when they do finally tell him.”

I frown. “How did you find out?” I ask.

She shrugs. “It wasn’t that hard to piece together. Will you tell them?” She presses. Wow. She really cares about this.

I nod and she disappears without another word. I’m still frazzled when Simon and Bram show up. It’s almost their tradition now. They alternate driving the other to school and today’s our turn, so I figure I have the whole car ride to talk to them about this.

I don’t get it out until Simon puts his car in park in front of our house. “Leah knows.”

There’s a weird silence as Simon and Bram look at each other, then turn to look at me. “What?”

“She knows. She cornered me... after school today,” I explain. I don’t think they notice my hesitation. I told them about how I’m in the band, because that’s apparently a sharing thing we do now, but Leah made me swear I wouldn’t tell him about her. She doesn’t want him to find out until the talent show at the end of March.

“Okay,” Simon says slowly. “What did she say?”

“That you should tell Garrett that you’re together, because apparently he’s going to have his heart ripped out if you don’t.”

Simon and Bram look at each other again, before Simon starts cracking up. You would have thought I made the funniest joke in the world or something. “I told you he should have tried out for the play,” Simon tells Bram. “He could give Taylor a run for her money.”

Bram rolls his eyes. “He’s a better soccer player than he is an actor,” Bram insists.

“Don’t bother to tell me what’s going on,” I say grumpily. They’re always doing this. I know it’s not intentional and I know it’s just because they’re gross and in love, but they go back and forth like they’re having a private conversation; except they do it right in front of people.

“Garrett knows,” Bram explains. “We told him the day after we became official.”

“OMG you’re kidding me. I’m with Simon on this one. He belongs in the theater. He literally has everyone convinced that you’re not dating because he says you wouldn’t have kept this from him. Are you sure he knows?” I turn to look at Simon. “You have a very Simon-logic way of explaining things that doesn’t always get the point across.”

Simon looks indignant, but he knows I’m right so he just gets huffy in his seat. Bram looks at him like he’s a sad puppy. And I just… I love both of them and I love how happy they are together - even if Simon’s sudden change of attitude can be annoying; I just think that sometimes they forget not everyone is as in love as they are. Mom says it will wear off, but she also thinks she’s a hipster mom, so I’ll take that with a grain of salt.

“Believe me. He texts me almost daily to…” Bram suddenly looks away and Simon giggles. I kid you not. Giggles. Is Garrett sending him dick pics or something? “Just believe me. He is fully aware that we’re dating.”

“Good. Well. Can I tell Leah?” I ask. “She actually seems concerned about him.”

“Hmm… do you think she likes him?” Bless him, Simon tries so hard to look nonchalant, but he might want to consider taking acting lessons from Garrett because he’s a horrible actor.

“I don’t know,” I tell him. And I don’t. But if I did, I definitely wouldn’t tell him. We don’t share  _ that  _ much.

Bram shakes his head at Simon. “I’m cool with you telling her. Maybe it will help Garrett to have someone to talk to about this.”

And just like that I’m forgotten as they have a nonverbal conversation with their eyes. I’m pretty sure I get out of there just in time. Not that they’re gonna make out in the car - anyone could walk by. That doesn’t mean they won’t get disgustingly mushy. They are always disgustingly mushy.

 

\-- February 15th --

_ I was eating lunch when Simon got home. He barely acknowledged me before he started to make himself a sandwich. He looked like he was exhausted, which blew my mind, because allegedly he fell asleep so early and slept so late at Bram’s, that he was only now getting home. Not that I believed that. Even if our parents weren’t painfully obvious, I would have jumped to the same conclusion. _

_ Simon was so out of it, he didn’t notice that our parents were standing in front of him until our mom dramatically dropped a giant SAT study book in front of him. We’d picked it up this morning while we were running errands and I was pretty sure our mom thought it would distract him from Bram or something. I half expected someone to tell me to leave, but no one did and I certainly wasn’t going to miss this. _

_ “What’s this?” he asked. _

_ “You’re registered for the March SAT,” she said matter-of-factly.  _

_ His mouth was slightly ajar and he looked like he didn’t believe his ears. _

_ “Isn’t that something I’m supposed to do?” he asked. Weirdly, he sounded annoyed, but our parents weren’t wrong about the fact that he needed to take the SATs so I didn’t understand his frustration. Even my guidance counselor was talking about it and I was only a freshman. _

_ Our mom shrugged. “You seemed a little overwhelmed with everything happening and you hadn’t mentioned it, so it seemed like this may have slipped through the cracks. When your school sent home the reminder, we signed you up. You get to feel overwhelmed, but we wanted to make sure that doesn’t affect your future.” _

_ “Of course,” he agreed after a moment. “It’s a good thing Bram is so smart. He’ll be a great help as I’m studying.”  _

_ I was looking back and forth between them like they were in a showdown. They kinda were. “Yes. How lucky for you. How was your evening with Bram? Did you have fun?” _

_ Simon blushed at her question, but he didn’t do anything to give away that anything may have happened between him and Bram last night. “We did. We watched a movie. Sorry I didn’t call, but we fell asleep.” I was really sure they didn’t, but I was currently practically invisible and I didn’t want to call attention to my presence. _

_ My mom glared at Simon. She seldom got angry at Simon. Not really. Not since he came out to us “We would like Bram to come over tonight. I think it’s time the three of us sit down and chat.” _

_ “I’ll give him a call,” he told them. All of his bravado disappeared as he left the kitchen. _

_ Within a couple of hours Simon and Bram were in the kitchen and I was sitting on the stairs listening in to parts of the most cringe-worthy conversation I’d ever heard. I said parts, because there were moments that my second-hand embarrassment was so intense I had to cover my ears. _

_ By the time our parents were done with them, I truly felt bad for Simon and Bram. I wondered if it would have been better if they’d denied having sex (they didn’t confirm it, but they never said they didn’t), but I had a feeling that would have been a lie. The last bit was the worst. Our parents tried to point out that they were both romantically immature and it ended with Simon getting into a shouting match with our dad. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. Simon brought up Christmas and told our dad he wasn’t even trying to understand this part of him. It was rough. _

_ When Simon and Bram came out, I was still sitting on the stairs. Simon’s eyes were a little red and when he saw me he didn’t have it in him to look angry. They walked past me and after a minute, I followed them to his bedroom. _

_ “I don’t agree with them,” I told him quietly. _

_ “What do you mean?” He asked. He and bram were laying down on his bed. _

_ “I don’t think the two of you are too immature. I think they want you to be immature. You know them. They don’t like when we grow up fast. You saw them after I didn’t tell them that slumber party last year was co-ed.” _

_ Simon sat up straight. “You went to a co-ed sleepover?” He asked incredulously. Like he hadn’t been sleeping over at Leah’s since he met her. _

_ I shrugged. “Almost. They found out and picked me up. I thought you knew.” It wasn’t exactly a secret and I’d just assumed everyone knew. _

_ He shook his head. “How did I miss that?” _

_ “We don’t really talk.” _

_ He looked really thoughtful. “We need to change that.” And he really put an effort into it. I felt like this was the first time we had a real conversation with each other. _

_ We talked until my mom came in, told me she needed to talk to them alone, and, according to Simon, pretty much ordered Bram to stay with us until his mom got back. _

 

~ Garrett ~

“You’ve fucking known this whole time?” I’ve never heard someone sound so angry while whispering. It sounds painful.

“Good morning,” I say, grinning at Leah. 

“Don’t good morning me,” she says through gritted teeth. “You knew?”

I feel kinda confused, but I usually feel confused around her, so I think I’m used to it at this point. “Would thy fair lady care to explain?”

As usual, she doesn’t bat an eye at my compliment. In fact, she almost looks annoyed by it. I’m like an inch away from asking Simon for his help. I’m pretty sure he knows, because he and Bram are going through the tell-each-other-everything stage of their relationship (that or they’re seriously just that open and honest with each other, like, all the time).

She looks at Simon pointedly, looks at Bram, then looks back at me. “You. Know.” This time, it’s impossible not to know what she means. I wonder how she figured it out, because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Simon and Bram. They would have told Nick and Abby as well, and as of this morning Abby and Nick were trying to figure out how they could actually get Simon and Bram to realize their feelings for each other.

“You know?”

She doesn’t have the chance to explain herself because Mr. Wise walks in then. “Meet me outside the cafeteria before lunch,” she hisses.

Here’s the thing: I know that she just wants to talk about this. But in the next three hours, it’s really easy to imagine that we’re meeting for a romantic interlude or that this might become a romantic interlude. Maybe we’ll sit in the back of the library, behind that row of shelves that no one uses. We’ll talk about how lucky Simon and Bram are. And then maybe we’ll realize that we could be that lucky ourselves.

Leah doesn’t seem like the kind of girl that does hand-holding, but I’d bet sitting side by side and talking about everything and nothing would be just as great.

By the time lunch rolls around, I’ve built up our romantic library meeting so much in my head, that I’m taken aback when she leads me to the band room. She pushes me inside and then closes the door behind her. I can’t help but look around. There’s a drum kit in here and Leah sits on the little stool as if she belongs there.

Before I have the chance to get a word out, she glares at me. “You knew. And you’ve let Abby and Nick go on about this for weeks.”

“I promised,” I explain meekly. “It was the only thing they wanted.”

She sighs. “Do they ever plan on telling us?”

“I think eventually. It’s not easy for them. It’s not just about telling us. It’s about when they’re gonna be ready to face all the crap people are gonna throw their way,” I point out. I’d heard Bram talk about it so many times and I felt for him. It’s hard to be annoyed by their secrecy when you’re privy to their fear.

She scowls, but doesn’t try to refute my words. “This fucking sucks,” she complains. “I want to show them that I don’t care, but I want to give them their space to realize that themselves. How do you put up with this?”

“I remind myself that they’re happy right now. And if keeping it a secret makes them happy, I can’t really begrudge them that.”

I watch the way she’s twirling the drumsticks in her hands. She looks like she’s dying to let loose. “Do you play?” I probably would have asked just about anything to change the subject at that point. Plus, we can’t go back to lunch this late and I’m dying to learn more about her. 

“A little,” she shrugs. I didn’t know she was musical.

“Can I hear something?” She bites her lip uncertainly. “Please?” I plead.

She sighs. “This doesn’t leave this room.” And then her arms are a flurry of motion and Jesus Christ, I don’t think she’s ever been this attractive before, which is really saying something. She looks so carefree, like the rhythm comes effortlessly and her confidence is practically infectious. It makes me feel like maybe we’re not a lost cause.

 

\-- January 6th --

_ There was a light knock on my door. When I bounded down the stairs, I was surprised to see Bram and Simon in the doorway. Simon looked pale and Bram looked like he did the night he came out to me. “What’s going on?” I had my hopes, but I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. Bram was convinced that Simon wasn’t going to want anything to do with him once he found out who he was, but the fact that they were together was making me think that everything was working out. _

_ “Can we come in?” Bram asked uncertainly. I heard the legitimate question in his voice. _

_ I hesitated. Bram was used to the chaos that was my life, but Simon barely knew me. “I guess. Just don’t tell my mom,” I warned. _

_ To his credit, Simon barely batted an eye at the explosion around him. There were piles of clean laundry in baskets that I should have brought upstairs days ago. Shoes were scattered all the way up the stairs and nothing looked clean. Thank God we were able to avoid the kitchen, because that really was a catastrophe. _

_ “Why aren’t we telling your mom?” I didn’t know what my face looked like, but I was obvious enough that he hastily added, “you don’t have to tell me.” _

_ “No. It’s fine. My grandma’s really sick, so my dad’s been staying with her,” Garrett explains. “She apparently fell into this bubble with her insurance, so everything’s out of pocket right now. My dad makes decent money, but not enough to cover all of this. My mom’s working two jobs in Atlanta and we don’t really have much time to clean up around here. She’s embarrassed by it.” _

_ “I’m sorry about your grandmother,” he said softly. “She shouldn’t be embarrassed.” My bedroom was no better than the rest of my house when we walked in, but once again Simon didn’t flinch. “This is a refreshing change,” he said quietly. “Bram practically cleaned my bedroom when I was talking to my parents last night. Now I’m so… organized.” He fake sniffed like that was a bad thing. _

_ “You spent almost an hour talking to them and you wanted to tell them on your own, but you didn’t want me to be there,” Bram retorted. “What was I supposed to do?” _

_ “Cool. You know you can argue outside of my house, right?” I interjected. I didn’t really want them to leave; I just wanted to know what’s going on. _

_ “Right,” Bram said. He and Simon made eye contact and I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. That didn’t stop me from freaking out (on the inside) when Bram’s next words were, “we’re dating.” _

_ “We’re only telling you,” Simon added. “We’re not telling Abby or Leah or Nick. _

_ “You’re not telling anyone?” I asked incredulously. Bram’s my best friend, but if he was trying to stay in the closet despite everything Simon was going through, he had another thing coming. “Do you really think after everything Spier’s been-” _

_ “It was my decision,” Simon interrupted. _

_ “I- what- your decision?” I asked. I didn’t think I could be more surprised. _

_ “Yes. My decision. I wanted something that can be just mine for right now. None of this has happened on my timeline. I didn’t get to decide when to come out or how to come out, but I get to decide this. I get to decide that I want to spend some time with Bram before anyone else gets to complicate it. I want Bram to really be ready before he comes out to everyone.” _

_ “Then why are you telling me?” I was still trying to wrap my head around everything and it didn’t make sense that they were telling me this if they wanted to keep it secret. _

_ Simon looked at Bram so affectionately I thought I was gonna throw up. “Bram wanted to tell you. But we don’t want anyone else to know.” _

_ Bram held out his pinky. I stared at it for a second, suddenly realizing how serious this request was. It probably sounds silly and childish, but we take our pinky promises very seriously. We’ve made three pinky promises to date: 1) I was drunk for our very first pinky promise when we swore we would be friends forever - Bram brought it up when I was sober and told me that he meant his promise; 2) we pinky swore that when one of us was going through a tough time, the other would be there with some type of junk food to cheer the other up; 3) after Bram came out, I pinky promised that this wouldn’t change things between us. _

_ I entwined my finger with his. “I promise.” Four. _

 

~ Bram ~

“How about this? How about you don’t do anything until you’re really and truly ready?” Simon suggests. He’s still sitting next to me in my car, because apparently he lost the ability to open his door the moment I told him that I was planning to officially come out today.

“I am ready,” I insist. I wonder if I keep saying it, if he’ll believe me. I really feel ready, but for whatever reason, Simon’s convinced that this will somehow mean the end of our relationship. “Really and truly ready.”

“And not just because Nick found out and he said Abby’s driving him nuts and he’s having trouble keeping it from her?” he confirms. Granted, that’s a pretty big reason, but it’s not the whole reason. I’m so tired of being on guard at school.

“Not just because of that,” I try to sound reassuring.

He sighs and it’s not in a dramatic way, so I know he’s really worried about this. “I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.” He doesn’t say a word, but he doesn’t have to. I know that he believes that someone will call me a fag and I’ll immediately turn to him and tell him we’re over. Which is ridiculous, but that’s Simon logic for you.

“I’m not going to regret this. I appreciate you giving me as much time as you did, but our original agreement was Valentine’s Day and that was over a month ago. I’m not ashamed of us.” I try not to sound frustrated, but it’s the same argument we’ve had so many times.

“I never said you were.” 

I shift in my seat and lean in a little closer to him. I find his hands and I can almost see the moment that he forgets we’re in my car in the middle of a parking lot. “I love you and I don’t want to hide that anymore,” I assert.

And then I brush my lips against his. It’s soft and sweet and short. Just like our first kiss. Except this time, he doesn’t push for more. Because we’re in a semi-crowded parking lot and anyone could see us. And because even though I’m ready for everyone to know, doesn’t mean I want to broadcast this part to the entire student body.

Simon would probably tell me I’m being hypocritical considering our first kiss happened in a public park, but there was no one around to see us then.

“Are you sure?” He asks one more time. He’s opens his door, but makes no move to actually get out of the car.

“I’m sure.” I get out of the car and lean on my open door. “Nothing can scare me away. I’m all in.”

He noticeably rolls his eyes at me and it’s nice that he’s feeling optimistic enough to be dramatic again. “Okay, I’ll accede, but if this blows up and you’re compunctionate...”

“We’ll pretend that that’s an actual use of compunction” - it’s not, but he's really trying with all this vocab and I can’t pretend that Simon’s intentionality with using SAT words isn’t like a dream come true - “and I promise to take it out on you even though this is entirely my decision.” I never said Simon was the only dramatic one. 

He’s nervous as we walk towards the school, but I can’t keep the smile off my face. I feel like I’ve built up this moment so much these last few weeks that now that it’s here, I just want to stop worrying about it. I don’t know if we act any different or if we’re just somehow emitting an aura that’s making it obvious to people, but I attract more than a few stares as Simon scours the hallway for Abby.

When he spots her we walk up to her. He doesn’t even tell her before she says, “finally!” I would really like to know what is making it so obvious.

“I didn’t even say anything yet,” he points out.

“You didn’t have to. Both of you are smiling… it’s different and nice. And finally! It took you long enough!” Abby looks like she’s about a second away from clapping or cheering.

“Well… about that,” Simon say slowly. “We’ve been dating for…”

“Awhile,” I finish when he looks at me for help.

Abby’s eyes are as big as saucers. “Awhile. What does that mean? Awhile.” She sounds angry, but we knew this was coming so we stay calm.

“It means exactly what it sounds like,” Simon says evasively.

“When exactly did ‘a while ago’ happen? How long have you been keeping this from me?” She demands. She’s loud enough that I’m pretty sure the entire hallway can hear her and I look around nervously.

Sure enough, several people are looking towards us. They mostly look curious, as if they’re wondering if something is going to happen. I’d prefer to keep their attention away from us, so I quickly ask, “can you keep it down?”

“Why? Is it a secret or something? I couldn’t tell.” Abby noticeably takes a deep breath to try to calm herself down.

Simon grabs my hand and shakes his head at me as if to warn me to let her get it out of her system. The world seems to go quiet around us. For a moment, I think it’s just a side effect of our contact - several people have told us that part would wear off, but it hasn’t yet. When Abby stares at our hands, I realize most of the hallway did actually go quiet and that we officially captured the attention of several kids.

Simon quickly withdraws his hand when he realizes, but Abby still stares. “Right, so we’re sorry we didn’t tell you earlier. We wanted some time before anything got complicated so we only told a handful of people,” he explains. 

“And I wasn’t one of them,” she says stiffly.

“I’m sorry.” Simon looks at the floor guiltily.

“Yeah… well…” She frowns for a moment and looks like she’s seriously thinking about something. “I really want to be mad, but I’m so glad that you’re actually together.” I let out a sigh of relief. Simon was really worried about her reaction, especially since, according to Garrett, she’s spent the better part of the last month plotting on how to get us together. “But I do have some questions.”

We’re saved by the bell… literally. I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for the bell before. I half expect Abby to stay and question us, but if she doesn’t get to English now, she won’t get a seat on the couch. Abby looks disgruntled and before we go to English, Simon turns to me. “All in favor of skipping lunch today?”

I roll my eyes. “We can’t avoid her forever.”

“We can try,” he points out. “It’s very feasible.” He looks so proud at his use of an SAT word, I can’t help but chuckle. I love when he does this.

 

\-- January 5th --

_ I had driven us to a park - though debatably it was just a bunch of grass and trees. I didn’t know where else to go. I didn’t want my mom to meet him until we talked and I definitely wasn’t ready to meet his parents. He said he wanted to be boyfriends at practice, but what did that mean to him? We didn’t speak a word on the way to the park, so I had no idea what he was thinking. “Is this too cliche?” I asked uncertainly. _

_ Simon looked at me like I was crazy. “I think this is perfect.” The way he looked out at the expanse of grass and trees, made me think he really meant that. _

_ “I just figured we should probably talk before we did anything else.” _

_ “You don’t need to convince me.” He got out of my car and I followed suit. We didn’t go far - just to the closest bench. _

_ We could see the entire park from here and there were a few people out on a run. They were too far away to see us or for us to really see who they were, so we didn’t give them much thought. _

_ “Did you mean it?” I asked nervously. _

_ “Mean what?” He looked like he was trying to figure out what I was talking about. _

_ “That you want to be boyfriends?” I looked down at the grass. Each blade overlapped in an intricate pattern. I felt like I could look at it for days and still not know where one blade started and another ended. But I was also avoiding looking at Simon, so that could be part of the reason that grass was suddenly so fascinating. _

_ “Of course.” He had this way of talking about things like they were so obvious. And maybe that one should have been. But things are different in person than over email. At least I thought they would be. “But…” My heart caught in my throat. There was a but. Of course there was a but. What more should I expect? He started laughing at my expression. “Will you calm down? I just don’t want to tell people yet. You can’t tell me you’re ready to be out, because I know you better than I know myself.” _

_ “I’m not ready, but neither were you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m hiding you.” Though, I had to admit that, more than anything, I wanted a little time before I had to come out. _

_ “If you won’t do it for you, do it for me.” I looked up at him surprised. I didn’t understand why he’d want to keep it a secret. “I haven’t been able to decide anything about my coming out. Martin made the choice to out me and he made the choice of how everyone got to find out. I want to be able to choose to keep this a secret until you’re ready.” _

_ I finally looked up at him and he was staring back at me. And not just in his Simon-stares-at-people way. This made me feel special and made this weird tension sprout up between us. I knew what I wanted and when he glanced at my lips, I decided to take a chance. _

_ I brushed my lips against him. The moment I realized what I was doing, I pulled back. I barely had time to worry about whether that had been as good for him as it was for me, before he bunched my shirt in his hands and brought his lips back to mine. _

_ There weren’t even words. At least, if there were, Simon couldn’t find them. Or maybe his mouth was just occupied. I dunno. Either way, not much existed outside of us and the kiss. _

_ And in that moment, I knew it was possible to fall in love over email. I had tried to convince myself I wasn’t or that things would be different when I met him, but I was and they weren’t. _

_ He was still the same Jacques I’d fantasized about for months. He was the same Jacques that was so bold and flirty and he might be the best kisser ever. I didn’t have anything to compare it to, but I was pretty sure my mom was wrong when she said storybook romances don’t happen. Because kissing Simon made me feel too perfect. It made me feel things I didn’t know existed. I found myself wanting more, wanting to get closer to him, wanting it to never end. _

_ It was so perfect and I found myself feeling pretty grateful I haven’t had any other kisses. I was grateful he could be my first with this. Because he made it one I’ll never forget. _

 

~ Nick ~

 

I’ve been waiting over two weeks for Abby to find out about this. Do you know how hard it is to keep something like this from your girlfriend? Especially when said girlfriend was practically obsessed over it? Almost impossible.

In English, it’s obvious they haven’t broken the news to her that she was the last to find out. I’m certainly not going to tell her, so when she squeezes in between me and Simon on the couch, I pretend like nothing out of the ordinary is happening. That doesn’t stop her from shooting me smug looks. I glance at Simon and he’s looking at me uncertainly.

I shrug at him. I have no idea what he’s supposed to do. He dug himself into this hole, he can dig himself out of it. He looks at Bram and I don’t know how they do it, but I’m pretty sure they’re having an entire conversation. “You know, we’re dating,” he whispers towards me. “I know you already knew, but we wanted to officially tell you.” He puts his hand on Abby’s shoulder. She looks like she’s still trying to understand what his words meant. “Nick walked in on us a few weeks ago and we asked him not to tell you. We wanted to tell you ourselves, but we wanted to wait until we were ready.” Abby looks torn. “You’re the first person we willingly told other than our families…”

“And Garrett,” Bram adds.

I close my eyes. I really wish he hadn’t told her that. I know Abby’s going to be pissed. Sure enough, I hear her say, “Garrett knew!” When I open my eyes, Abby is glaring daggers at Garrett, who is clearly trying to disappear into his desk. Her anger towards Garrett is definitely warranted, because even I thought Garrett had no idea they were dating.

“Yeah. since the inception,” Simon admits. He’s looking at Abby like she’s a bomb that’s about to go off… He’s probably not far from the truth.

“He means since the beginning,” Bram elaborates. “Maybe now’s not the time to practice our SAT words. Especially since the SAT is over.” He looks like it pains him to make the suggestion, which surprises me, because Simon was such a pain in the ass with the vocab words.

“But that’s humdrum,” Simon argues.

“Boring or not. We still have a few minutes until the late bell rings and Mr. Wise isn’t here yet. I think we owe Abby some answers,” Bram points out. I can see how they work so well together. Bram’s rational enough that he probably offsets some of Simon’s immaturity.

“When exactly was the beginning?” Abby looks back and forth between them so many times it makes me feel dizzy.

“January 5th.” Simon looks at the floor guiltily. My jaw is open. I’d known they’d been together awhile, but when I found out about them, they never mentioned it’d been THAT long.

“January 5th. You’ve been together since we came back to school?” Abby asks. Simon shrinks under her glare.

“Yeah,” he whispers.

Abby looks thoughtful for a long time and I have a feeling she’s replaying everything that’s happened since we got back. She’s quiet so long that Mr. Wise walks in and starts class before she can utter a single word.

 

\-- March 7th --

_ I rang the doorbell to the Spier’s house, just like I had so many times. I’d barely seen Simon in the past two weeks. Everytime I talked to him, he was studying for the SATs. Well, I made the executive decision that I was saving him from a few hours of studying. _

_ Mrs. Spier answered the door. “Nick!” She said excitedly. She’s one of those mom’s that’s always excited to see her kid’s friends. _

_ “Hi Mrs. Spier. Is Simon around?” _

_ “Of course.” She turned towards the staircase and in the blink of an eye, she was facing me again. A look I can only describe as horror settled on her face. “Actually, I don’t think he’s here. My mistake.” _

_ “Is he mad at me or something?” I asked; my voice sounded a lot smaller than I meant it too. It was the only thing I could think of. He was always busy when I reached out. He never stopped by with Bieber anymore. I loved Leah and all, but she was no Simon.  _

_ Her expression softened. “Of course not. He’s just busy right now. I’m sorry,” she said quietly. She did look genuinely sorry for me and she wasn’t the kind of parent that would lie on behalf of her kid. _

_ “Okay. well, thanks. Can you tell him to call me if he’s not too busy?” I asked. _

_ She never had the chance to answer, because suddenly Simon and Bram came bounding down the stairs. There was so much happening, but for some reason all I processed was that Bram was wearing socks. I didn’t know why that stood out to me so much. Maybe because the handful of times Bram had been over my house, he hadn’t taken off his shoes; or maybe it was because the socks were accompanied by a smile that was so carefree and happy it made me jealous. _

_ When Simon got to the bottom of the stairs, he proclaimed, “no more studying until we have a break. You can keep your commas to yourself.” _

_ “Just one more section. We only have a week left,” Bram pointed out. He reached around Simon to grab the book and ended up wrapping his arms around Simon’s waist. For a moment, they just stood like that. I looked at his mom and she rolled her eyes. I guess this wasn’t all that uncommon. _

_ Simon’s mom cleared her throat and even I felt the magic of their moment disappear as they disentangled themselves. “Mom! Sorry we didn’t see-” Simon’s eyes found mine and I could see the exact moment that he realized I had been standing here the whole time. “Nick.” There’s barely any volume to his voice. _

_ “Hey,” I said quietly. _

_ For a minute we just stood there, unsure of what to say. What were you supposed to say when you found out your best friend really was in a secret relationship behind your back? _

_ “Right. I’ll leave you all to talk,” his mom said uncomfortably. _

_ Simon and Bram looked at each other and without a word, Bram disappeared towards the kitchen. “We can talk in my room,” Simon said quietly. _

_ “Where’s he going?” I asked. _

_ “He’s giving us some privacy.” Simon didn’t look at me as he climbed the stairs or after he sat on his bed. He looked terrified and I had no idea why. Wasn’t coming out to us supposed to be the hard part? Then again, Martin did that for him so maybe that’s why he’s freaking out. “Let me have it.” _

_ “I don’t care that the two of you are dating,” I told him. _

_ “You don’t… care?” He said like it was a question. “This doesn’t make you… I dunno. Uncomfortable or something? I’m in a relationship with a guy.” _

_ “Why would it make me uncomfortable?” _

_ He started to play with his fingernails. “When Abby took us to that gay bar-” _

_ “Gay restaurant,” I corrected. I remembered it well, because Garrett had invited him and Bram alone - at the time, I figured it was because he wanted a chance with Leah, but now I wondered if he was their cover story. That was also the night Abby and I got together. It was a weird night. Fun. But weird.  _

_ “The gay restaurant,” he confirmed. “You seemed so… uncomfortable. You didn’t do anything specific,” he added as if he could read my thoughts. “You just seemed out of your element and we figured… maybe the less you saw the gay side of me, the happier you would be.” _

_ I sat down next to him on the bed. This felt weird. We weren’t the kind of friends that shared our every thought and I was starting to think that was part of the problem. Simon didn’t even feel like he could come out to me. “Here’s the thing. I am out of my element with this. I don’t know how to act or what I’m supposed to say. I don’t want to somehow insult you.” He shifted, but I still don’t look at him. “I was… frustrated when I found out you were gay, because I didn’t hear it from you. And I thought… I thought it was something I did, so I did my best to be on guard and make sure I didn’t say anything that could make it worse. But it didn’t matter. I still felt like…” I couldn’t say it. This wasn’t us. Sure, we’d fought in the past, but we moved on. _

_ “Felt like what?” Simon pressed. _

_ “I felt like I lost my best friend. Since you’ve been outed, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen you outside of school. I really don’t know what I did, but-” _

_ “You didn’t do anything!” He said seriously. “Nick, look at me.” We didn’t really do the eye contact thing, but I guessed there was a first for everything. “You didn’t do anything. I wasn’t ready to come out and that had nothing to do with you. There was never any doubt that you would be fine with me.” I seriously doubted that, but I don’t interrupt him. “But then it happened and I knew you would be fine with it but… I dunno. I think part of me was afraid that you would think I was coming on to you or something.” _

_ I shook my head. “I know we’re not like that. I’m cool with you being gay. Seriously. And it wouldn’t matter to me even if you did like me.” I held up my hand to stop him as he was about to interrupt me. “I’m not saying you do. I’d say that ship sailed with Bram. But you’re my best friend no matter who you like.” _

_ “Thanks,” he said quietly. _

_ “Things need to be different,” I said after several minutes passed. _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “I just need you to make time for me.” This was hard, because I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask him to do this. He should want to. But we’re both at fault for where we are now. When I first started dating Abby, I felt like my life revolved around her. I still did. So i didn’t begrudge Simon a learning curve. “Maybe if we’d talked about stuff like this-” _

_ “Stop blaming yourself,” he ordered. “You’re right. Things need to be different. For both of us. We both need to talk about this stuff more. I had no idea that you were upset by how little we’ve seen each other. I assumed you were busy with Abby and I thought that you’d maybe be relieved.” I didn’t bother to correct him, because I saw how guilty he felt. “I’ve missed you too.” _

_ “Good,” I said quietly. I didn’t mean it in a mean way and I was pretty sure he knew that. We didn’t hug, because we’ve never been touchy with each other and just getting everything out there had been enough. _

 

~ Simon ~

I meet Bram outside his locker before lunch. I figure I have one more chance to convince him that we don’t need to go to lunch. We’re going to spend the entire time asking Abby questions and I’m willing to compromise: I’ll take one for the team and answer all of her questions after school and spare him the inquisition.

When I get to him, he gives me that smile. The one he seems to save just for me. For a moment, I don’t say anything and I let myself get swept away with him. It’s always strange to him that something as trivial as his smile can mentally transport me to a place where we’re all alone.

Our moment is quickly interrupted when Kevin, the same kid that pretended to kiss me my first day back and that has repeated made fun of me since then, comes up to us.

“So you’ve decided you’re gay now?” Kevin asks Bram.

Now I can see that Bram fully intends to ignore him. But I don’t. It’s bad enough that he’s been a complete asshole about me being out. He is not about to bring Bram into it.

“So you’ve decided you’re straight now?” I retort without skipping a beat.

“Hey, I’m not a homo,” he says defensively. A little too defensively. It makes me wonder... But it seems to stereotypical for the big, buff football player to hate on the gay kids because he can’t come to terms with his own sexuality.

“Do you know what the root homo means?” I ask. “It means same. Hetero means different. Which means you’re the odd one out.” I’m holding my breath hoping that he won’t realize that the same just means I like the same sex I am. The english language is pretty literal sometimes.

He apparently doesn’t and I waste no time in pressing my advantage. “Do you know what I think?”

“I don’t care what you think.” He adds as if it’s an afterthought, “fag.”

I close my eyes for a split second. Every atom of my body is screaming at me to turn and run. I have a feeling that the longer I stay here, the more likely it is that I will scare Bram away. But this is what I have to do for me.

I have to do it because of all the underhand comments that he makes under his breath. I have to do it because of all the unwanted contact that he finds hilarious. I have to do it, because if I don’t, he’ll never freaking stop. And worse, he’ll start doing the same thing with Bram. Maybe it’s because I’ve imagined what I could say to him countless times, but the words just come. “Do you know what aggrandize means? It’s a word that means to emphasize the importance of something. Usually it’s something that’s not warranted, but I think aggrandizing this is more than appropriate. You see, I don’t freaking care what you think or say. You can call us fags or homos to your heart’s delight, but do you know what you can’t do? You can’t make us your freaking victims. You can’t make us ashamed to be gay. You can’t make us like each other any less. You don’t have the power to do that and you never will. And I don’t know why you would want to? How does who I love hurt you in the slightest? I’m proud of who I am and I am grateful for Bram. You cannot take that away from me. Because I won’t let you. I am pertinacious on this; I will not stop believing that I have a right to be who I am.” I don’t even care if that sounds sappy or corny or just stupid. I’m glad I said it.

Kevin scoffs, but before he has the chance to say anything, one of the football players standing behind him nudges him and shakes his head which seems to shock everyone that is paying attention to what is happening. There aren’t a whole lot of people in the hallway, but there are a handful of kids that are shamelessly staring at us. Maybe I didn’t get through to Kevin, but I’m thinking I maybe got through to someone.

Without any fanfare, things just kinda stopped. Kevin turned and walked away and anyone who’d been watching in hopes of a fight practically ran to the cafeteria to make the most of their lunch. I am still in a daze trying to figure out exactly what happened when Bram grabs my arm and pulls me to the dressing room behind the auditorium.

The door is barely closed behind us before he starts kissing me. When he breaks the kiss to breathe, I’m in even more of a daze. “What was that for?” I ask.

“You should be so proud of yourself, because you are…” he gets this sly smile on his face. “Freaking amazing, as you would say.” He kisses me again. “And you should never stop using your vocab words.”

The way he’s kissing me makes me think that we might be on the brink of some type of discovery here.

“I don’t know about that,” I say when we break apart. We’ve never been like this at school before and even if there’s no one around to see us, I’m self-conscious. “You don’t think I sounded silly?”

“No.” He looks me right in the eye. “I think you said exactly what you needed to say and you are exactly who you need to be. I’m so lucky to have you.”

And then we’re kissing again and I forget to be self-conscious. Why do we ever go to lunch?

 

\-- Seven Years Later --

_ We’re home for Thanksgiving. After we graduated from college, Bram and I moved into a little apartment in New York and usually it’s great. But neither of us likes spending so much time away from our families. Our first year was especially rough because I was still looking for a real job (I’d been a waiter most of our first year - it truly is a thankless job. I don’t want to talk about it) and we both had student loans, so we only went home once the entire year after graduation. I graduated with a degree in Communications and I honestly had no idea what I wanted to do with my life at first. We were lucky that Bram got a job as an actuary right out of school (it sounds really boring, but it’s actually kinda fascinating to hear him talk about his job). I’d thought I might want to be a counselor, but I quickly realized that all of my friends are right - I flip flop on my advice too much to ever offer help in a formal setting. Then, in March, it happened. I got an internship at a local radio station that eventually lead to a crappy part-time job, that just four months ago led to a full-time job with a livable salary and benefits (I never thought I’d care about stuff like that until we were practically living off of Ramen and tap water - it’s not our fault that we could buy a 50 pack of Ramen for like ten bucks). _

_ Things are different in a two salary household. We’re still pretty frugal, but not so much that we haven’t budgeted for more trips home than we took last year. We actually go out on dates again and it’s what I always imagined living with Bram would be like. It’s what I thought would happen once we put in our time doing long-distance. But I wouldn’t take back this past year for anything, because we got closer than I ever thought possible. _

_ We flew in last Saturday and we fly back on Sunday and I forgot how great it can be to be home… and how busy. We’ve barely had a moment to ourselves. In fact, the first time we get some alone time when we’re not sleeping is the morning of Thanksgiving. My mom practically has a breakdown because she forgot the cranberry sauce - I think it’s really starting to hit her that me and Alice need a plane to come home and that Nora’s graduating from college in May. Cranberry sauce is Alice’s favorite part of Thanksgiving so we have to have it. My dad is already on his way to pick up Alice from the airport (she’s a teacher in Connecticut and she couldn’t take off the entire week), so Bram volunteers us to brave the crowded supermarket to get some. I’m surprised when my mom lets us go. She flipped when I took a shower this morning, because there was apparently so much to be done. _

_ After we stop at the grocery store, Bram makes a pit stop at the same park we went to all those years ago when being outed seemed like the worst thing to ever happen to me - it’s funny how much perspective time can give me. _

_ “I think we’ve earned some time alone.” _

_ I can’t agree more, so I quickly follow him to our bench. It was our rendezvous point when we needed it in high school and those familiar feelings of comfort still resonate throughout the park. “I’ve missed this,” I say quietly. _

_ “Do you regret it?” He asks. _

_ “Regret what?” _

_ “Moving to New York? Uprooting your life?” _

_ “No,” I say honestly. I know he felt guilty about it - we’d been planning on moving in together after graduation, but it was because of his job that we moved to New York. “This last year wouldn’t have been right any other way.” _

_ “I feel the same way.” _

_ I lean back on the bench and close my eyes, enjoying the moment. It’s not cold yet, but it’s not warm. It’s kinda the perfect temperature. _

_ “Simon,” Bram says. He sounds amused and I don’t understand why until I open my eyes and see him kneeling in front of me. My heart catches in my throat and I couldn’t make a sound if I tried. “Today is all about giving thanks and I needed to tell you how grateful I am for you. You stuck by my side even though it meant moving almost 900 miles away from your family and your home. I am grateful for your humor and your unfailing selflessness.” I begin to second guess myself, because this is kinda proposally, but it could also be that he’s just making our own little Thanksgiving tradition. But he’s kneeling. So it has to be. Right? “This last year and a half has been the longest and shortest of my life. The shortest, because it was filled with so many memories, even more laughs, and countless nights spent in your arms. I fell more in love with you everyday we spent together. It was the longest because this entire year, I’ve been dying to ask you a question.” Okay, now I’m sure. We’d talked about this in depth. We’d agreed that Bram would be in charge of the proposal, but that it wouldn’t happen until I got a full time job. We’d had that talk fresh from college and somehow, I forgot that it would be back on the table now. “When we first got together in high school, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to have all of my firsts with you. You’ve given me my first kiss, my first time-” we’ve been sleeping together for seven years; you’d think we’d be a little less bashful when talking about it “- you are my first love and my only love. I want to continue to have firsts with you. I want to travel with you and adopt a baby one day with you. I want to buy a house and turn it into a home with you and maybe fill it with hobbies and puppies. But first, I want to marry you so we can spend the rest of our days growing old together as husbands.” And now I’m ugly crying. I can’t even help it. He’s too perfect and I feel like my heart is actually overwhelmed by my love for him. “Will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?” He opens a small ring box. There are two thin silver bands in it. _

_ I can’t make a sound. I can only nod. I pull him close to me and crush my lips to his. My brain is only able to process one thing: we’re going to get married. _

_ It takes me over an hour to pull myself back together. I almost get there a few times, but then he puts the ring on my finger and I put the ring on his finger and one time I just glance down at our entwined hands and burst into tears. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy and I’m pretty sure my body is not equipped to handle this level of emotion. _

_ When we get back, despite Bram’s assurance that I don’t look like I’m crying, I feel like it’s obvious. My dad’s car is in the driveway, so I know Alice is home. I know my parents already know why we disappeared, because Bram told me he’d already asked them. But Alice and Nora should have no idea. I walk in the doorway and head to the kitchen. My mom is standing over the stove stirring something. I wonder if it was my looming proposal that was making her so crazy this morning, because now she looks completely cool and collected. _

_ “Alice! Nora! Dad!” I yell. “Kitchen. Now.” _

_ My dad is the first to arrive. I’m pretty sure he was waiting for me to call him in. Once Nora and Alice get there, I can’t get it out. I know I’m crying again as I hold up my hand and it takes Nora a full minute to process what the ring on my finger means. And then our kitchen is an explosion of cheering and crying and hugging and I don’t even care that this is the biggest freaking deal we’ve ever made about something.  _

_ I know when my aunt gets here, we’re likely gonna do this all over again. And then when we go to Bram’s house for Thanksgiving with his mom, aunt, uncle, and cousins. And then tomorrow when we go to Savannah to celebrate Thanksgiving with his dad, stepmom, and Caleb. And then I guess we’ll have to do it again to tell Abby and Leah before we go back to school (Leah’s actually getting her Master’s in school counseling right now. She has some graduate assistantship that’s paying for her degree. And Abby moved back to Shady Creek after she graduated). And when we get back to New York, we’ll have to schedule a time to go to Maine to tell Garrett and into the city to tell Nick. _

_ It’s going to be a huge freaking deal for a long, long time. And I’m okay with that. _


End file.
